Holidaze.

Christmas is Friday.
WTF.

Our tree isn't up.

Calloway has absolutely no idea what's going on. Santa? He's just another big, scary dude that eats little kids for all he knows. Ari? His idea of a good time is camping out on the boob for, you know, 8+ hours at a time (like last night, thank you darling). The husband dislikes the holidays for whatever reason, so he's not really looking forward to it, either. Maybe next year, when Calloway understands a little better, we'll have more fun?

I ended up in the hospital Monday morning/Sunday night for a kidney infection. At least that's what it FELT like. Thankfully the boys were perfect, despite having to be awake at 4am and in a strange place. So now I'm on antibiotics for a kidney infection that didn't show up in my urine. I'm just crossing my fingers that it's not stones, or something of the sort. I hate my body sometimes.

Ari has started smiling and it's quite possibly the cutest thing in the WORLD.

Crap - have to finish this later. Gotta get the boys together for a trip out today.

29 Things in 2009.

Since the end of the year is close, let's see how well I did on my 29 Things in 2009 ...

1. Get pregnant again. Check!
2. Finish the second floor, completely. This is almost done. So I'm crossing it off the list.
3. Stick to my cleaning schedule, every single day!
4. Take at least one meal a month to a less fortunate family in my area. This was AWESOME. Will do this again next year.
5. Volunteer more.
6. Raise my $500 for the March of Dimes: March for Babies in May!
7. Start going to the Mama's Hip playgroup every Tuesday. (I think that's when it is.)
8. Offer my assistance, even when it's not asked for. I think I did a pretty good job of this!
9. Write everyday. I'm proud of this one.
10. Refinish and stain the hardwood.
11. Learn to play my super awesome hot pink guitar that's been collecting dust for two years.
12. Visit more people, more often.
13. Completely switch to cloth diapering.
14. Save. More. Money. I'm rockin' this!
15. Get on a horse again. I managed ONE trail ride this past year. Better than none!
16. Eat dinner at the dining room table - every night.
17. Quit bad habits.
18. Send more mail. Who doesn't love getting a card in the mail, just because?
19. Sew once a week.
20. Take more pictures.
21. Start paying down old debt that I've pushed off.
22. Buy a new rug for the living room.
23. Spend one weekend, every two or three months, enjoying my husband for all that he is (and nothing that he isn't). I really do have the best husband.
24. Start taking Logan & Silas on our daily walks.
25. Edit previous works, see if they're worth doing anything with.
26. Shower, get dressed, put on makeup and fix my hair EVERY DAY. I miss looking pretty!!
27. Get my mother to have a glass of wine with me.
28. Spend time with my SIL, niece and nephew while my brother is in Afghanistan for 6 weeks.
29. LOVE MORE OFTEN. This, however, is on going!

So eh? I did alright ... but there are lots of things that I need to work on. I'm just trying to figure out how I can volunteer with a toddler and a baby. Suggestions?

Confession.

I'm jealous.

Of what, you ask?

Homebirthers.

I desperately wanted a HB with Ari. There was something about the idea of having my baby, in the comfort of my OWN home, surrounded by my family and friends that really appealed to me. But Clayton said no. It freaked him out. I respected that, prepared myself for an unmedicated hospital delivery. The hospital I delivered at was raved about - almost all of my family members had their babies there, tons of my friends. I went in, confident.

While I had my unmedicated delivery, with a fantastic birth partner (thanks Jes!) and my husband present, there are things that I'm really unhappy about. Due to my OB not being on call, I was stuck with a horrible, HORRIBLE woman to deliver my baby. She was super pissed that I wouldn't let her call the shots and took it out on me. Instead of being able to labor as I felt (walking, getting in the shower, etc), I was tethered to a monitor and stuck in a glider. I got an hour to walk before she came in and let it be known that I was her Least Favorite Patient Ever. I wouldn't let her break my water, I wouldn't get an epidural. So she took it out on me. I didn't get to push how I wanted to push, I had to stay on my back like a flipped-over turtle. While my OB basically tossed Calloway up on my chest when he was born, she held Ari out of my reach. She insisted on early cord cutting because she was "done". She had little to no desire to be there and I didn't WANT her there. I was trying my hardest to push him out before she got into the room, but I lost my wits - transition came on SO fast that I lost all control of my body. They chucked the placenta in a bag of 'medical waste' because I was so overwhelmed I couldn't get the words out that I wanted to take it home with me.

I wouldn't have been stuck in the hospital for two days for no reason.
No one would've questioned me when I said that we weren't circumcising our son.
No one would've given my baby a bath when it was obvious that I didn't want them to.
No one would've questioned my sanity when I warned the nurses that if they took my baby out of my room for more than 10 minutes, I'd come get him myself.
I would've had someone to answer questions about nursing, since the lactation consultant never showed.
I would've been able to sit, at home, in my own bed, and enjoy my family.
I wouldn't have been away from Calloway for as long as I was.
I wouldn't have been subjected to eating the craptastic food they insisted that I eat ... That shit was gross!

I've failed a complaint with the hospital and will be filing a complaint with the OB practice.

My next baby WILL be born at home. I'm done with hospitals.

PSA.

it is NOT okay for you to let your infant CIO (cry it out). ferber suggest sleep training at 4 months. not 4 weeks, not two months ... 4 months, at the earliest.

it is NOT okay to give your newborn water. ever. or tea. or soda. breastmilk or formula.

i dont give a flying fuck if you havent slept since you were 5 months pregnant. babies are not built to STTN (sleep through the night). some mommas get lucky with babies that sleep, some dont. parenting doesnt stop because the sun goes down. your newborn doesnt understand the concept of time. cherish the late night moments with your baby. all of those marathon nursing sessions, having a tiny little bundle on your chest - they only happen for a very, very short time.

ugh.

An open letter to my boys.

Dear Calloway & Ari,

Today, you turned one month, Ari! I can't believe that you've been with us for an entire month ... in a way, it seems like you've always been here, but in another, it seems like you were born yesterday. Calloway, you've done so well, adjusting to your new little brother. I know that he turned your world upside down at first, but really? You've done such a fantastic job, even though you don't understand. I'm so proud to call myself your Momma - my life was missing something major until you two came along.

Thank you both for being such good babies. You learn more and more every day, Calloway, and it amazes me. You're always exploring and finding stuff to get in to ... right now, you're obsessed with brushing your teeth and Silas. You add words to your vocabulary constantly and it's pretty neat to actually carry on a pseudo conversation with you. Your tantrums, however, are out of this world, you've hit the terrible twos early, I think! But those kisses and hugs you give me all day long make it okay. :)

Ari, you are a CHAMPION eater. And pooper. You don't really do much yet, but your wakeful periods are stretching out and I love watching you take in the world around you. You seem to enjoy Calloway getting in your face, the boob, and a good cuddle. I love waking up in the middle of the night to feed you, only to realize that you're content to just be snuggled up between us. I would like to request that you keep the poop in your pants, though ... seems like we're having an issue with that.

While you nap, little ones, I'm going to make the best cookies in the world. Don't worry, I'll share. Thank you for being so fabulous, the two of you. I can't wait to see what the next few months bring!

- Your Momma!

Where have you been, MommaKT?

First, let me introduce Ari Josiah! He came into the world November 9th at 6:12am, weighing 7 pounds, 14 ounces and measuring 21" long. (A little peanut compared to Calloway!)

Go check out Jes' website and look at her blog to view a few of the beautiful pictures she managed to snap in between rubbing my back and telling me that yes, I COULD deliver this baby without drugs. That's right - I did it. Without pain medication. Was it terrible? No. Would I do it again? Absofuckinglutely. Did it hurt? It was completely manageable until I went from 7cm to fully dilated and ready to push in about 20 seconds and then, it was a little wild. :) I had a horrible OB (not my normal OB) for delivery, which put a damper on the overall feeling of the birth, but really - I have a BEAUTIFUL, healthy son.

I mean, look at him.
Gorgeous. Clayton & I make really, really cute babies.

And speaking of cute babies ...

Calloway is settling with the idea that Ari isn't going anywhere. I think that this is a good thing. At first, he wanted nothing to do with me (or anyone holding Ari). We had a horrible, horrible outing to the mall last Monday (he screamed/cried so hard he puked, twice, and I was that woman, bawling, next to the play structure) but it's been pretty smooth sailing since. Kind of. I'm still trying to figure out how to handle two boys at once ... One that wants to eat all. the. time. and the other that wants to use me as a jungle gym. This whole being a Mom of two-under-two thing is pretty tricky, if you ask me.

I'll post more later. Ari's apparently starving to death.

Yes, I'm uncomfortable.

And tired.
And big.
And covered in stretchmarks.

No, I don't want you to touch my belly.
No, I don't want to hear about your 56 hour labor that ended in a c-section.
No, I don't want you to threaten me with a 10 pound baby.

Yes, I have to lean against something if I'm going to stand up for more than 10 minutes. If I don't, I may tip over.

I appreciate your encouragement, but really, you don't need to tell me how "well" I'm doing every fifteen minutes.

Don't tell me that I need to get a pedicure. I highly doubt my doctor cares what color my toenails are.

When you see me out, don't grimace and wince and give me sympathetic smiles. WTF?

If you see me out, trust that I would much rather be at home, in bed, waiting patiently for my son to make his arrival.

Don't whisper about the size of my ass or the fact that I have a double chin. I'm sure that when you get pregnant, you'll look absolutely fabulous at the end of your third trimester, too.

Any other questions, comments or suggestions?